Finding Awkward stuff in a relationship that still works. after 21 years

So last anniversary I took a sabbatical from writing a blog on that day as I really wanted to break that pattern and I just made a small instagram video. 2 years have passed since I expressed my thoughts on our anniversary and today I just thought of revisiting the 21 years flashback and figure out what’s unusually awkward about it which still works.

While we all undergo ups and downs in our relationships or married life, there are things that are more than the difference of opinion. Everyone would have experienced difference of opinion number of times with their partner. Some are resolved quickly, some are resolved by giving up by one of the partners and some are just ignored. We all know about climatic changes and seasons around us but the reality is that every relationship experiences those WINTER season, a period of time where things are not so breezy and shining like summer but cold and gloomy like WINTER. These are different from those sporadic differences of opinions. They last much longer like the seasons and can feel difficult to adjust to at times. Let me share something that I have noticed and my takeaway from them which might help any of us walk through them.

The Battle of Differing Ideologies.

Partners in relationship usually can not agree all the time and the small ones are considered to be difference of opinions. At the start of any relationship , initial few years, both try to adjust , accommodate and resolve but as the enchantment phase of a new relationship fades away, those varying ideologies can become particularly glaring. They just shine up and shout from our daily routine. For example. Kinjal likes to watch daily soap like Anupama where as I personally like to watch Informative documentaries or Sci-fi. Sometimes, I would like to dress up bold and experiment with my hair style or even hair color and on the other hand, she would stick to the safest and conservative thoughts about presenting herself in front of others. None of these are wrong , they are just different.

These ideological differences can creep up in various forms— finances, religion, hobbies, to name a few—and it can be exhausting. Because it’s such a pain point, you may even find yourself constantly circling back to the topic that causes issues. Think about it and you will surely find it happening around you most often.

In my opinion, The key to working through these differences is focusing ONLY on those which you love, and putting boundaries around that which you don’t. You’ll also need to avoid the temptation to demean and humiliate your partner for their beliefs. It will take practice and incredible self-control, but success in these areas will greatly enhance the quality of your relationship.

In fact, in my opinion, the difference in ideologies can even make a relationship stronger by stimulating your and your partner’s cognitive and emotional connection. It forces you to think outside of your comfort zone, and when you can do so with compassion and genuine curiosity about your partner’s point of view, you can mature both as an individual and couple.

Try it. it works.

Feeling disconnected

There are seasons of your relationship when you’ll feel less connected to your partner. Has anyone experienced it. You may have but not really noticed until you read it now. Unless it is an ongoing, painful issue that’s never resolved even after your best efforts, a momentary disconnect is normal—not a death signal.

Life happens on daily basis. We get caught up in deadlines and work and extended family drama and extracurricular responsibilities. There are things that take up more of our attention and time that subconsciously we stop thinking about our partner and cause a temporary disconnect. Sometimes children or work can take precedence over our partner, and sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own personal issues that we don’t remember to ask about our partner’s issues. Believe me, it is very normal. It has happened with us a lot of times, especially with me, when I get engrossed in something really at work or travel that I tend to even forget to ask Kinjal the most basic question “HOW ARE YOU”. ? that’s a temporary disconnect.

There is a workaround for it & it is the responsibility of both partners to work together when this happens. Sometimes disconnect stems from feeling unheard. Sometimes it stems from not spending enough quality time together. Consider this as an opportunity to talk about “What’s going on ?” Don’t deal with it with aggression to prove to your partner that he/she does not care about you.

If you’re the one who is feeling disconnected, confront your partner gently. Just use the most basic format of communication. “When you do X, I feel Y statement”. This is less intimidating and therefore less likely to trigger a fight compared to statements that start with an attack.

If you’re the one being confronted by a partner who’s feeling disconnected then best thing is to “LISTEN”. You will find your answer in your partner’s words if you curiously listen to him/her.

So in a nutshell, Having long-term ideological differences or Having a momentary disconnect is not really a dent in a relationship. It is not unusual or awkward. Everyone has it, just that no one speaks or notices about it. All marriages or relationships are not meant to be a fairytale standard, and living on the ground is always fine.

These challenges, although stressful in a relationship, are not just reconcilable, they make the relationship stronger. Remember that in fighting any problem, two are better than one and that a problem shared is a problem diminished.

बहुत ज्ञान हो गया लगता  है लिखते लिखते 

I just want to end this blog by saying that

લાગણીઓ તારી બ્રેઇલ માં પણ ટેરવા મારા સુન્ન છે 

કેટકેટલા ગૂંચવડા ભરેલો મારો અને તારો આ સંબંધ છે 

જોવા ગયો  ત્યારે મને દેખાઈ હતી બહુ તિરાડો એમાં 

પાછળ થી મને ખબર પડી કે એ આયનો અકબંધ છે